Romantic (Why Doctor Who is more romantic than Romeo and Juliet)

ro·man·tic - adjective 1. of, pertaining to, or of the nature of romance; characteristic or suggestive of the world of romance 2. fanciful; impractical; unrealistic 3. imbued with or dominated by idealism 5. displaying or expressing love or strong affection.

Hello, Internet!

Important birthdays are coming up, and as always that sends me spiralling into an endless search for perfect gifts. Gifts that say something. Talking gifts. And I'm good at it too! Few, if any, have such a good track record with semi-sapient presentry as I do.

However, searching through Etsy, Pinterest, Ebay, Amazon and Epla, looking for inspiration and those extra special things has made me think about romance. Hundreds of hundreds of items later, I find that most  romantic expressions annoy me. Geeks do it better. It's just a fact.


1. You are my sun
NO! What are you even saying? That I'm a burning ball of gas? That I am your only source of heat and light?  That your life depends upon me? That if I suddenly disappeared you would die? Does that sound romantic to you? It is not! It's needy, and clingy, and too much pressure, and as a matter of fact - a little grandiose! Juliet is not the sun. Juliet is Juliet. You should be your own gorram sun! If you suddenly disappeared from your life, you would die, your life depends upon you - those are fair points. I'm not your sun. You are!

Geek fix:
Moon of my life (Game of Thrones - Technically answered with 'My sun and stars' but we'll forgive that based on the male/female symbolism and the nomadic existence of the people who use this. Open skies etc)

YES! I like this! You're saying I am the person your own love and beauty reflects back off, who helps lighten up the dark in your life? I can deal with that. You're saying that if I suddenly disappeared things would not be the same, there would be a problem with wobbling and flooding for a while, and hefty climate effects which it would take some time to get used to? Fair enough! It would suck to lose you too!

2. You are the only one for me
NO! I'm really not. There are almost 7 billion people in the world, you and I met after a long string of coincidences and we've probably adjusted ourselves somewhat to fit each other - because that's what people do. There's nothing romantic in thinking that out of all the people in the whole world this one is the only one you could be with. That would just doom you to entire singleness if Your Person got run over by a car or something, and where's the fair in that?

Geek fix:
I choose you (Pokemon)
What is truly romantic is that out of all the seven billion humans, you choose this one - every day.

3. I love you because of all of these reasons and you are so beautiful in all these ways and also if someone sees My Person say all these things, and I'll do all these things, and in the future and forever I will always keep doing all these things and saying all these words because I love you, I love My Person, I love, I love, I love.

Now, I'm afraid I might come across as a bit of cynic here, but that is not my intention. I am all for the grand romantic gestures, and I believe in telling people you love them, often and without reason. But even more so, I believe in showing people what they mean to you and why.

Geek fix:
Tell her... Oh, she knows. (Doctor Who)
This is what you should aim for. This is what I'm aiming for. That no matter what words you say or choose, no matter how big or small your romantic gifts or outbursts are, that the person will know.

I want to be absolutely certain that all those in my life, who should know, will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them, they are awesome, and I'd make them Leek and Turkey pie with Red Onion Jam, Vegan Tortillas with home made taco spice, Mac'n'Cheese with sausages and "Fiskelefse", or whatever else their heart desires, every day of the week. That I would cross the universe, or oceans, or just take a walk, anywhere, at any time. This is what I hope they will know.

So when jumping out from a cliff (with a hang glider?), or sinking down through the ocean (while scuba diving) or getting ready to leap out of an airplane (again... parachute, this isn't suicidal just adventurous) I can say to the person on the cliff/in the boat/in the plane: If something goes wrong, tell them... Oh, they know.

If this doesn't break your heart a little bit, you might be a robot.
Or just not care so much about Doctor Who.
Both are fine by me, I'm just saying. 

Oh yeah, and they'll probably have kick ass presents to remind them, if they don't. 

Wordless interlude

People talk about wavelengths as if they were a valid way of measuring chemistry. "We were on the same wavelength," they say, meaning that the person they talked to didn't disagree too much. "She was on a completely different wavelength," they say, meaning she held views completely different from their own.

It is a useless system. Not only because the wavelengths in mention don't actually exist, but even more because the waves they are trying to define are identifiable only by their lack of definition.

I've met these people, who are 'on the same wavelength' as me, and what I can say for certain about them is that their waves and my waves are not made of the same stuff.

My waves run thin and silvery through the air, hooking up to all other waves I've ever experienced. My web of waves is just that - a web.

However, when I meet these mysterious "on the same wavelength"-people, they tend to have waves made of stronger stuff. Blocks and pegs that fit perfectly in the gaps created between my waves. They make my chaos seem like order, and I make their scattered waves seem connected. And so we work.

"It's important to find people who are on the same wavelength," they say, completely misunderstanding the point. It is important, I say, never to look for waves at all. What good are waves, really? It's the ocean we care about

Spider interlude (why doctors should employ children. [Only that would probably be dangerous and a horrible idea. No one should take advice from me, ever])

Hello, internet! Storytelling time:

It was one of those days where the world was just a little too large, and people just a few too many. There was no drama, no tears or screaming or running around. I tend to be very undramatic. But still, I couldn't breathe, so I crouched down by a wall, looked down on the ground and thought about happy things for a while.

A young boy came over and crouched down beside me, staring at the ground in front of me.

"Some spiders can jump," he said. It took me a second to realize he thought I was looking at a tiny spider scuttling across the asphalt.
"Yes," I nodded, "and some spiders wear raindrops on their heads, like little hats." (After all, I am a child of the internet, and my knowledge of spiders is mostly meme, trend and article based.)
"Why?" he wondered. Smart kid.
"I don't know," I admitted, "maybe to keep their heads cool?" He laughed so hard I thought he would choke. I was confused.
"It wouldn't make its head cool," he eventually gasped, "it would make it wet!" the certainty of this statement made it impossible for me not to laugh too.
"Good point." I said.

He stood up, and with the most formal of Norwegian health-greetings he said: "have a good recovery then," before he trotted off after his parents.

Smart kid.

Picture lovingly stolen from dailysquee.com

Moment (why anxiety attacks make people think my life is more interesting than theirs)

moment - noun 1. an indefinitely short period of time; instant 2. the present time or any other particular time 3. a definite period or stage, as in a course of events; juncture 4. importance or consequence 5. a particular time or period of success, excellence, fame, etc,

Let's get one thing straight right from the start: Yes, I consider my own life interesting. I know I'm not supposed to. I know I'm supposed to complain that nothing interesting ever happens to me, or  say that I dream of more action in my life, but I don't. In fact, it would be rather silly of me to do so, considering I can barely keep up with all the interesting and magical things that happen in my life already.

I suppose this sounds wonderfully pompous, and maybe it is. However, I think living an 'interesting life' has much more to do with the ability to make every moment count, remember it and retell it as important, than what the content of the moments actually are. It is important to let things be important. There are, however, two things that have made me better at experiencing interesting moments than most people are:

1. Anxiety attacks. 

Short version: I've had anxiety attacks since I was 11. They were originally linked to loneliness and bullying and such, but that is not important. The first really huge one, the first one that made me unable to function at all for a while, happened when I was 13 while watching a catastrophe film about meteors.

Until that point in time I loved stars. I could place most constellations and spent a lot of time making  space related art and drawings. We were having a project about space at school (hence the meteor film), and I had been super excited about it - until full blown and super heavy waves of panic.

Skip five years ahead.

I was 18, had dropped out of school and impulsively moved across the country. I had moved to the loneliest place in Norway, and I was in general feeling a little lost. Something really bad happened, something that shook me out of the appartment. I ran out, down to the sea, and fell on my knees in the deep snow.

I looked up - and instantly couldn't breathe. Suddenly, and very overwhelmingly I realized I hadn't looked up for five years. For five years I had never seen a star. I had actively avoided them, so as not to trigger a panic attack.

I stood up, took a deep breath and decided, right there and then, that I would never let the things I'm afraid of stop me from living  again. This sounds like a very good plan, but it makes you do a lot of stupid stuff (turns out - some of the stuff you're afraid of is actually dangerous). But in a slightly modified version it makes you say yes to things you're scared to try, say yes to activities, sports and job opportunities you'd otherwise be too frightened to accept.

This is how I ended up saying yes to diving, snorkelling in Silfra, slack-line walking, archery, conversations with all the people I've met when travelling, all the journeys I've done alone, every crush, every romance, getting married, buying an apartment, presenting my art, singing on stage and reading my poetry. Because I can not not do it just because I'm scared.

One time I kind of wish I hadn't done something I was scared of.
Also called: the time I nearly drowned in 2 °C water

2. Focus

I actively choose to experience and remember all my moments as events. I'm horrible at small talk, so I talk about things I find important. I ask important questions, and I try to meet every person 100%.

Where my friends remember meeting 'this guy' at 'that place' and he said 'something funny,' I remember meeting the lovely George in Camden Locks, and I remember how he told us about his day, and the way he coughed when he laughed, and the hug he gave me when we left. I still have that little flower he picked from the cobblestones, and I remember him as important. Even if he was just this guy we met at that place... the one who was funny.

I focus.

I'm looking for moments that matter. I'm looking for people to share a moment with. I trust in the connections I feel, and I trust in myself to be real. Being real with strangers is super scary, but that can't really stop me (see point 1.)

So, do I live a more interesting life than anyone else? No. I'm just a better storyteller.
Have I done 'everything' and met 'everyone' and been 'everywhere'? Not by a long shot. I just don't say no, or think things through very well. Not very well at all. I say yes, I jump in, I laugh loudly and hug warmly. I try to not let worries about how I look, act or am perceived slow down the way I interact with people. I try to just be.

I think they call it living in the moment.

Nice day, nice moment

Tune (how to create a complete soundtrack for every feeling you've ever had)

tune - noun, verb 1.a succession of musical sounds forming an air or melody, with or without the harmony accompanying it. 4.agreement in pitch; unison; harmony. 5.proper adjustment

The last two days I've had the same song stuck on repeat in my brain. This does not surprise me. Coming back to Norway and re-settling into a life I have forgotten the mechanics of give me very specific feelings. Specific feelings leads to specific songs.

I tend to lock onto songs, connecting them to people, themes, feelings, events, periods and even whole years. I am pretty sure I could make a chronological playlist featuring one song representing each year (not necessarily from that year, but representing my idea of that year) from about 1992 and onwards. I can give you the soundtrack of every teacher I've had since 8th grade, the score of each journey I've had, the song of every city I've stayed in and even the "theme songs" from some of my favourite dishes (Cooking is to me very much a musical activity).

I think in lyrics to such an extent that when I was going to the Transit of Venus-event in 2004, and for the life of me couldn't understand why my alarm was being noisy at 6.40 am, my brain responded by making me think the lyrics "there's a little black spot on the sun today" over and over until I woke up. If you utter a sentence that reminds me of a piece of song lyric, I might reply in said lyric. Or even sing that song to you if my guard is down.

I've had about a billion crushes in my life, some turned into 'inloveness' most didn't, but they've all had a soundtrack. Here's a selection:

The GrungerThis was a short and sweet thing, packed with drama. Whenever I hear this song I can smell cigarette smoke and hear the soft ramblings of an asphalt philosopher.

The one who stole the 'me' from me.
There are the big ones and the small ones. This song was the soundtrack to one of the big ones, one of the ones that leaves scars and pains and all that crap. Good song though!

The one who only lasted for three weeks but counts for a lot longer 
This song to me is filled with the drama of being 16, the lost footing and the longing for 'coolness,' the fluff of a pink tiara and the smell of cheap Britney Spears perfume.

The ten days that felt like forever 
This song is filled with longing and sadness and what-ifs and happiness and really nice memories and some wasted time, pointing the way from the "WUHU" to the "oh..." and all the way to the epic friendship on the other side of it all.

The 3 minutes crush on a man from Zanzibar
Every time I hear this song, I'm reminded of how short a time is necessary for my impulsive brain to find a connection. A connection which stays important long after it's lost.

The one who took my breath away 
(The only time I accidentally sung the lyrics on my head out loud)

The one I married
I can't pick a song to cover 9 years just like that. There's a soundtrack. It has happy songs and sad songs, bouncy, upbeat, slow and soft songs. But as a symbol of the eclectic mix, this song works:

Do you have any songs that "are" a person, time or period for you? Please share =) 

Thread

thread - noun, verb 1. a fine cord of flax, cotton, or other fibrous material spun out to considerable length. 2. twisted filaments or fibers of any kind used for sewing. 8. that which runs through the whole course of something, connecting successive parts 9. something conceived as being spun or continuously drawn out 12. to pass the end of a thread through the eye of (a needle). 13. to fix (beads, pearls, etc.) upon a thread that is passed through; string. 15. to make one's way through (a narrow passage, forest, crowd, etc.).

On my way back home, just a short stop at my parents' to say hi to the grandparents and important things like that. Leaving England was super sad. Sad in that really nice I'm-so-glad-I've-connected-so-strongly-to-so-many-lovely-people-that-it-breaks-my-heart-to-leave kind of way. And it's still sad. Sad in that what-am-I-doing-now kind of way.

At the same time it's exciting! Tomorrow I go home to my husband! My patient spouse who will now be presented the highly emotional, overly enthusiastic, bursting with creativity and falling apart of sadness bundle of feelings that is me. I wish him the best of luck with that. But this happy/sad/happy/sad tripping from ending this year has had me thinking about how connected I feel to people, things and places.

When I close my eyes I can see all the thin threads spinning out around me. One is rushing through an olive garden in Italy and from there to a lovely woman in Dublin . A silvery one connects every lemon in the world to a peaceful night in Morocco and the lovely ladies I shared it with. I feel threads running through books I've read, connecting to characters and fictional places. Most things run together in this huge cobweb of memories. The taste of cola flavoured lollipops connects through people and places and loops back to my best friend when I was 14. This is how I see the world. This is why I talk in stories, because everything I experience feels connected to everything else.

This year has filled in a lot of weak spots and woven much stronger connections. I feel like I did when I was young(er) and absolutely everything seemed to be shiny and magical in one way or another. Yesterday, while wasting time, I remembered constellations I didn't know I knew, and I remembered smells from when I was little and trying to learn how to knit. I remembered knitting so tightly that the needles had to be cut free, and all I was left with was a systematic knot of threads.

A very systematic knot indeed.

Encounter (How to make sure you know mostly strange people)

Encounter - verb, noun 1. to come upon or meet with, especially unexpectedly 5. a meeting with a person or thing, especially a casual, unexpected, or brief meeting

I am slowly beginning to realize that I'm leaving in three days. Three days until it is too late to do all the things I said I would, too late to get to know all the people I thought I would spend more time with, and too late to say things I'll regret not to have said. Sounds sad, you say? No. This is thrilling! This is a micro-life lived out in fast pace, and it is all about the people I've met, the connection and the encounters.

All the most important connection this year have grown out of random encounters.

I gained a "brother from another mother" through the lack of a bottle opener. He opened my bottle with his teeth, and 7 months later we have spent more time together than I have with any of the friends I have known all my life. We bicker and fight, we chat and play video games, all because of a bottle.

Through this one person and one extra bottle (which wasn't mine) I gained a group. A flat full of friends to hang out with, to eat with, to laugh and cry and joke with. I've had groups of friends before, but this was different, and all because of two bottles.

Every single lecture in one of my classes got better because of one person (I'm still not one hundred percent sure what his name is) sat down next to me, called me 'Red' and laughed at the same oddities as me. We won't keep in touch, but he changed my year, all because of a nickname.

I found Someone who brings me so much excitement and happiness, and whose friendship I hope (and beg and pray) I will get to keep for years to come.

I borrowed money from the girl behind me in line, and was given a co-Potter-fan, who took so many pictures at the Harry Potter Studio Tour I can relive it any time I want. I think we'll stay in touch sporadically, just as we would hang out sporadically, all because of £2 in change.

Capital Punishment Guy was in my discussion group, and filled me with giggles and rage. The American Football Guy sat down at the only available seat and ended up lending me a book I truly enjoyed. The Friendly Taxi Driver let me ride for free because he enjoyed the conversation, the one with the Owl-bag made for funny conversations, and the No-Group-Guy changed my view on sharing.

I got thrown together with a group of strugglers and came out of it with a friend whose conversation can be infuriating and stimulating at the same time.

I have new found friends through an assignment group, friends of poetry, futuristic castles and late night conversations. Friends I had too little time with, but who I hope I'll get to know better.

All of these people have coloured and shaped my year, and every single one of them I met accidentally.
How Lucky am I? (Answer: very)

Also! Today I had my first encounter with archery.
Everyone should find someone and try archery. It was amazing!