Monday, December 31, 2012


Eye - noun, verb
1. the organ of sight
3. this organ with respect to the color of the iris
6. the power of seeing; appreciative or discriminating visualperception
9. regard, view, aim, or intention
11. a center of light, intelligence, influence
17. the hole in a needle.
28. to fix the eyes upon; view
36.have an eye for: to have the ability to appreciate distinctions in

So I don't write too often, but New Year's Eve, I feel,  is one of those occasions that prompt an update.
This is an end of year summary, and perhaps some predictions for the year to come. Not of interest to many but myself, but and update nevertheless.

I asked a friend to describe me with one word that "summed me up." He answered "eyes," and in a way, that's also a good word to describe the year that went by. Because it's been about seeing things. Seeing, noticing and seeing in new ways.

I don't remember what expectations I had for this year. I knew this was the year I would go abroad for an exchange year, but other than that, I think the plans for the year were wide open, and the expectations not made. And although this is a feature that worries my parents, that is how I prefer my years to be. Open.

I've never been that into New Year's eve. I think it's a very odd thing that we divide our life up like this. Saying tonight is definitely the end of something, and the start of something new. Projects, commitments, plans for my life - they tend to be divided up like school years. The start of something new is always in the fall, the end of something is always in the spring. The summer - wide open.

The summer of 2012 I did something stupid. I said yes to something I didn't really want to do, that would be a very bad decision financially, and was something completely different than what I'd normally be into. To top it of, come departure day, it coincided with a horrible event in a friend's life. The type of event there's no good way out of, and the type of friend I really should have been there for. But I had a contract, and I left. I had a few horrible days, and then I had two brilliant weeks. I worked through anxiety on a whole new level, and I met such lovely people, and learned so much about myself, that it became worth it. Step by step.

I entered that summer on a high. I had done well academically. I had done a good job as a student representative. I was nominated (and won) a price for being an "exemplary student." And that fall would bring me an adventure. England. Study abroad.

And it has truly been an adventure. I've refocused. I've reconfigured. I've restarted.

This is the year I finished my first novel.
This is the year I finally brought Thomas to Prague.
This is the year I rediscovered how important music is to me.
This is the year I found friends that I can't imagine a future without.
This is the year I looked inside myself and found my centre. My absolute, unbreakable core. What makes me me. The place where my value, as a human being, was forged, and now glow bright as a crystal right in the middle. The place I can always return to when in doubt. A place of worth.

And such things feel good. I have realized that my blue eyed naivety is part of what makes me me. That feels good too.

The most important lesson of this year: I am a writer. I have an eye for words. I'm eyeing a feature with words and writings. Envisaging the future is not an exercise I feel very comfortable performing. But it's getting more interesting. It's getting more crowded. It's getting less frantic.

I'm read for a new year. A year with few plans but plenty of opportunities. I see no reason to start scheduling the upcoming year. The next five months will be more of the same, new modules, new people, but more of the same. And I like that. My summer is still wide open. I know I'll do something, but I don't know what. There's no reason for me to start scheduling yet.
Not as far as I can see.

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