Monday, April 16, 2012


fig•ure - noun, verb
2. an amount or value expressed in numbers.
6. the bodily form or frame: a slender or graceful figure
22. a phantasm or illusion. portray by speech or action.
29.Informal . to conclude, judge, reason, or think about                                     

So, after a short break, I'm back at uni trying to figure out a plan for the next 8 weeks of revision, preparation and exams. I love my classes, but part of that love has translated itself into an increased focus on "related subject" and a highly decreased focus on reading. Now I have to pay.

Simultaneously I try treating my social life with a little care and affection, as that is always the first thing to go when I get stressed. So, I've filled up my week with appointments, made a reading plan for the week, prepared well for my day at work tomorrow, and even planned for a little "me time" smack dab in the middle of it all.

And then I lost my voice. No, seriously. It was bad during the weekend, but now it's even worse. When I got off the bus after school today, I could barely more than whisper.

This keeps happening and is my body's preferred signal for "calm down or I will shut down, madam." The second best signal is random muscle pain, and this time it's going for broke.

My body and I have always had conflicting ideas about its role in my life, and how much time it's allowed to claim for itself during a normal month. My figure is... let's call it wide, my flaws are numerous, and with the welcome exception of my hair and eyes, I don't really have much to brag about or write down on those "What I love about my body" pages from old school year diaries.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am of the firm belief that physical beauty isn't all it's cracked up to be. And I am not saying that I am ugly, or BuHuHu I'm so big, or any of that self critical crap. I'm just making the truthful observation that my body and I would never appear in beauty pages in a magazine. And that's fine.

It is however probably not fine that i neglect my body and my body's needs in such a consistent and totally indifferent manner. It's probably not fine that I feed its sugar addiction to make it shut up, and it's probably not fine that I push its capacity to the very edge, long days and short nights, work work and some more work, then sleep for 8 hours one night, and then start over. It's probably not fine.

So, I give in. Body: you'll get your way. If you just give me my voice back, I promise to take care of you. It will be sort of a reward for having stayed with me for 26 years of randomness. You keep my voice hostage, I'll pay the ransom.

I will negotiate with this terrorist... Go figure. 

1 comment:

  1. You are beautiful inside and out. Let go of the idea of what your body 'should be', which is based on society's expectations. Of course it is important to treat your body right, because it is part of you (a form of respect, if you will). But, everyone is different. You are you and that is wonderful.