Freak

Freak - noun, adjective, verb 2. A person or animal on exhibition as an example of a strange deviation from nature 5. Philately:  a stamp differing from others of the same printing because of creases or dust  6.Slang:  a. a person who has withdrawn from normal, rational behaviour and activities to pursue  one interest or obsession b. a devoted fan or follower, enthusiast c. a hippie. 8. unusual; odd; irregular 9.to become or make frightened, nervous, or wildly excited

Hello, world. I haven't written in a very long time, and my life has taken sharp but expected turns. This is all fine. I am now in England - Hatfield to be precise. School is in session and I read, study and discuss my way through new and interesting topics. But although I've talked about nothing else for a year than the joy of being a student, and everything that (in my mind) happened last year was school related, I doubt this year will be like that.

I am a freak, and I've always been one. I feel weird and uncomfortable in large groups of people. I find great pleasure in the darnedest things, like badly taxidermied animals (preferably in clothes), owls and pictures of  unsquished dead people. I fill my life with colour and whimsy, cry when I'm angry and spontaneously burst out in song at the least opportune moments.  I either dress like a 70s art teacher or a really old lady, but can't resist hats with ears, striped mittens or headbands with feathers, flowers or butterflies. All this a smidge to the left of whatever "the norm" is, but the world in general and I get along.

And then there is that lovely perk that comes from being a curious freak. The instant radar that beeps and lights up if anyone within a radius of 20 metres is lonely, awkward, different, or just in that second feels he or she doesn't belong. So I smile, I nodd, I compliment and small talk, and from all these random encounters, my freak magnet drags the best ones along. And like this the groups are created. Oddballs and spear parts and half broken toys. Non of us fit, and certainly not each other, but we chat and we laugh and we find a middle ground.

I feel like Dorothy,  picking up an entourage on my way down the yellow brick road. We're all hoping to find different things. The Tin Man doesn't need a heart, he's got a really big one. He would, however, like to find love, by the end of the road, or along the way. The cowardly lions (I've now got two) are unbelievably brave, but hope to find proof so they can see for themselves. And the beautiful scarecrow - as sharp as they come - will hopefully find the self confidence to shine like The Tin Man. Some are looking for direction, most are searching for love, some I hope will find mirrors that show them their beauty, others I hope will find guts to speak up for themselves. So we're all searching for different things, but we stick together nevertheless, just because it's safer to navigate these woods as a group.

As for me? I hope I find more freaks along the way, to fill the void as these move on, find what they're looking for or go back to where they belong. Because this is just Oz, we're not in Kansas anymore, and for most there is no place like home. Not so for me. I keep returning to Oz. I don't want to find the end of the road, so I stay barefoot with the ruby slippers in my hands. As long as I have my basecamp, I'll never stop doing this hike.

For here, in the land of freaks searching for meaning, I can ask the question "Does Floridian blood smell like orange juice to vampires," and get the answer "probably." There is no place like home.

Society

society - noun, adjective 1 .an organized group of persons associated together for religious, benevolent, cultural, scientific, political,patriotic,or other purposes. 2. a body of individuals living as members of a community;community. 13. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of elegant society: asociety photographer.

I've just arrived home after spending three weeks as a course leader at a summer camp. It's been an experience I'll never forget, and I've learned so much about myself, about kids and about the feeling of being part of a community.

For the last three weeks, everything I've experienced, everything I've talked about, everything I've considered real has been related to the same 100-and-some kids and 18 "grownups." A small and closed society with its own particular rules for what's acceptable and unacceptable behavior. The tightly defined hierarchy of power never came close to reflect the "real world" standings of each individual. Most of the inside jokes will never be considered funny by anyone outside, and the logic behind many decisions will never make sense again. In this small gap of time in this particular place, however, it all made perfect sense.

It is an odd crossing between superficial and deep the kind of friendship you build up during a thing like this. Most of the conversations you have are centered around the kids and the kids' welfare. You discuss, you tell and you let off steam, you support and are supported by the others in the team. However, a few days later, none of it matters. What importance does a kid's annoying habits have when the kid is back home, and so are you and your confidante?

On the other hand - you do share your best and worst sides with these people, as you are among them constantly for 3 weeks. A nightly chat til 2 am can make you share information most of your friends don't know. Plus, getting through difficult situations or finding creative solutions for stupid problems makes for shared memories that can also create strong bonds.

During this trip I've twice mentioned a part of my life that I never talk about, a painful and complex memory that in this situation didn't bother me at all to talk about. I've laughed harder than I have in years, most of all from an inappropriate parody of one of the kids. Normally it would  have made me cringe but now it will forever stand as one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I've let myself be talked into playing bowling for the first time (at least since I was 7 or 8) without trying to make up a stupid excuse to get out of it, just for the sake of being friendly and positive around friendly and positive people. I've made a complete fool out of myself several times, and enjoyed it immensely  I've shared some beautiful hours on a wall where I felt like a normal girl sharing normal girl stories with other normal girls. I've laughed, I've cried, I've been really angry and frustrated and I've shared inside jokes (you know what I mean? Sunday, London, Honey? Where is Masha? Are you messing with my life?) that now are just words belonging to a society that no longer exists.

So what now then?

I doubt I'll remember the name of the kids for more than a few weeks. I doubt I'll recognize any of them on the streets in a year. The "grownups," most of whom I've considered friends for the last three weeks...? I doubt I'll see most of these people again. But I know whenever I look at pictures of two handsome men dressed up as girls, of two beautiful girls celebrating their three weeks anniversary as room mates, of colorful superheroes in the sun, or of me smiling like an idiot with my hair full of glow sticks - I'll remember the feeling of being part of an isolated group, unrelated to the rest of the world, and ask myself the all important question: Where is Masha? 

Hyponym

Hyponym - noun Linguistics: a term that denotes a subcategory of a more general class: “Chair” and “table” are hyponyms of “furniture,” "Armchair" and "Bar stool" are hyponyms of "chair"

So, I'm reading for my final exam, and going through linguistic definitions like there's no tomorrow. Come the zombie apocalypse; I'll at least be armed with a kick ass vocabulary.

Yesterday I refreshed my resume to apply for a job, and I struggled to see any kind of connecting thread between working backstage in metal concerts, being an office manager for a year, snorkeling on Iceland, writing poems and teach English for health workers. I think this bothered me more than I realized at the time, because several times tonight i woke up thinking random lines like "grouped in like-column it makes sense" and "how about if we consider this a category of its own?" I believe my brain had a subconscious discussion with itself trying to figure out how everything is put together, using the lovely system of hyponymy.

I'm not sure I'm quite there yet, but I have realized a couple of very interesting things. For instance: I have a column, in my mind's inner workings, of values that affect how I make decisions, dream and function. They are about 8 that I've figured out, but I'll only share two of them with you right now.

Be Helpful: This value seems to affect everything else I do, more than any other value, and (perhaps more disturbingly) more than any other concept in any other column. More than interests, more than things I like or love, more than dreams or hopes, helpfulness is the key. Realizing this gave me a whole new outlook on my resume. I have, more than once, said yes to work engagements I really didn't want, to be helpful. I have also spent quite a lot of time "being there" for people, I then never heard from again.

And, this is also responsible for one of my most annoying habits, correcting people. I sometimes confuse helpfulness with poking my nose where it doesn't belong. Insight.

To me, this is useful information because being aware of this may open up for a new way of dealing with things: value-shuffling. I'm excited to see if this works out.

The second value that seem to override everything but helpfulness is:

Be Grateful: This concept is extremely important to me, and I use it frequently to give my self a positive outlook on troubling  events. I really want to be grateful. But dividing this up into a chart of hyponyms and relations showed me that I frequently settle for less than I should, because I'm focusing more on being grateful for what I get, than getting what I deserve. A healthy balance should probably be in place.

This might seem like garden variety obvious facts to you, but to me they are ground breaking insights into "what's holding me back." Changes to come, but first an exam....

Brave

Brave - adjective, noun, verb 1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance. 2. making a fine appearance. 3. Archaic . excellent; fine; admirable. 7. to meet or face courageously: to brave misfortunes.

The final "Contemporary British Novel"-class was a very busy one. It was kind of a tense atmosphere. Our wonderful teacher started off by telling us we were short on time and had a lot to go through. It was a Friday, exams were looming in the corner of everyone's eye, and it was just one of those days.

In my head I have named groups of the 50 or so people in my literature class. There's the drama people, the geek squad, the hipsters, the exchange students, the catcher in the rye crowd, the punks, the freaks, the dames and the loners. I like them all, and I mean every one of the names in the nicest possible way, it's just a way to place them in my mental map of the world.

 Most of the geek squad had chosen White Tiger as their  book (we all had to choose one of the six as our book to talk about), so they were getting ready to give their presentations. One of them, a really sweet guy I've talked to a couple of times( who's also into Dungeons and Dragons and therefore gave the name geek squad to the geek squad) was about to give his presentation, but he looked really really nervous.

Something happens to a crowd when the speaker looks nervous and begins nervously. People try to avoid eye contact. They squirm a little in their seat. Some feel sorry for the person, and try desperately to find something the speaker says to take notes from, just to make it look like the nervousness doesn't bother them at all. We were 50 squirming people.

He gathered his papers, cleared his throat, and said something like this: I'm sorry if I stutter or stumble. I do that when I'm nervous. I am really nervous now, so just know that I'll be imagining you all naked.

Oh, sweet relief.

We all laughed. What an effective way to defuse the situation! Tension melted away and the awareness of the awkwardness made it way less awkward.

He then got on to give a stumbling, stuttering presentation, but with some of the very best points that were given that day! What a brave thing to do, I thought. Playing your weakness face up on the table.

I never do that. I tend to avoid situations where I don't feel I have the upper hand, and I don't like admitting I'm scared or uncomfortable. But I will try this now, this new thing. So here goes:

I get extremely uncomfortable in regular social settings. Wherever I don't have a clear role, be it class representative, teacher, "hobby psychologist", supportive person or quirky-positive-friend-to-hang-around, I  get nervous, my hands get clammy, and my mouth gets dry. I desperately try to think of random facts I know, just to have something to talk about. When found I blurt them out, and in the frightening awkwardness that inevitably follows I  try to change the mood by asking overly direct questions. I am a train wreck.

It happens because I am a socially awkward person. I beg your pardon if I seem flustered, stuttering or random. It will get better with time, as I get to know you better, or manage to define my role in our relationship.

Until then, just know I'll be imagining you naked.

Whore

Whore - noun verb 1. a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse,usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet. 2. to act as a whore. 3. to consort with whores. 4. Obsolete. to make a whore of; corrupt

Firstly a clarification: Yes, this blog is called "I love to love the words I love," and no, I don't love the word whore. Except I sort of do. I wish whore meant kitten. How perfect wouldn't that be? Listen to that sound whooore. It sounds cuddly and fluffy and puffy and cute, doesn't it? But yes, whore is the word of this blog post, because I do love words, and I think words are important. Today, I'm talking about the word whore just because it is a word, and I love words.
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My school is filled with wonderful people. I had lunch today, with a few  different girls and they are in every way fun to talk with. They talk in broad strokes and colorful expressions. One of them in particular uses such grandiose words, even when describing minuscule things, that when she arrives at her wedding day, I cannot imagine she will have anything left to describe her husband with than supercalifraglitisticexpialidocious. They are a blast to listen to, a blast to chat with, and the way they talk makes me truly sorry that I've never had many friends, especially not of the female persuasion.

Now, don't get me wrong, these are really bright ladies! They read, they discuss, they think and they talk about important things (in between nail polish and other people's behaviour). Today, however, they caught me completely of guard mid lunch. They were talking about clothing. I had zoned out and focused on my food and was contemplating buying a new lunch box, when my subconscious danger-alert went off in the back of my head. One of them had just said something like: have you seen 6th graders now a days? They're whores!
My shock must have been visible, because one of the others looked at me and said "No, but they are. Have you seen the way they dress?" I heard confirming sounds around the table.

Up until now, the conversation had been so funny, clever, elegant and interesting. But this part blew my mind. Is this what we do? Really? We, women in university, still use "whore" as an acceptable description of people, based on how they dress? And 11-year old girls, no less. Seriously?

Now, I realize this wasn't meant literally. They do not think all 11 year old girls are prostitutes, and I get that.  I also understand this has become quite common in Norway (and I'm sure my American friends will be appalled by this), and that even politicians in later years have been called whores by other self declared adults. I understand it is just "a figure of speech." I understand that "this is how people talk now a days." But seriously? Seriously‽ 
Using crude, vulgar and gendered epithets is, and should forever remain, a sign of bad manners, low education, aggression and low intelligence. Why on earth would we let "whore" slide up to "acceptable derogatory terms"? Why on earth would we, bright, otherwise well behaved, good mannered ladies in higher education WANT to take part in the normalization of such offensive speech? Think about it! You can make a difference here!

I have arrived at the conclusion that the only possible explanation is "we've never thought about it." So now, I'm begging you all. Think about it. Take a good hard look at your vocabulary and consider your choices!

Feel free to call me inappropriately dressed, a pretentious snob, brown noser, geek, nerd, coccydynia, miscreant, nincompoop, idiot, simpleton or even, if you absolutely have to, and you can't find a more learned word, call me a bitch. But do not call me a whore.

You see, I give it away for free. 

Figure

fig•ure - noun, verb 2. an amount or value expressed in numbers. 6. the bodily form or frame: a slender or graceful figure 22. a phantasm or illusion. 26.to portray by speech or action. 29.Informal . to conclude, judge, reason, or think about

So, after a short break, I'm back at uni trying to figure out a plan for the next 8 weeks of revision, preparation and exams. I love my classes, but part of that love has translated itself into an increased focus on "related subject" and a highly decreased focus on reading. Now I have to pay.

Simultaneously I try treating my social life with a little care and affection, as that is always the first thing to go when I get stressed. So, I've filled up my week with appointments, made a reading plan for the week, prepared well for my day at work tomorrow, and even planned for a little "me time" smack dab in the middle of it all.

And then I lost my voice. No, seriously. It was bad during the weekend, but now it's even worse. When I got off the bus after school today, I could barely more than whisper.

This keeps happening and is my body's preferred signal for "calm down or I will shut down, madam." The second best signal is random muscle pain, and this time it's going for broke.

My body and I have always had conflicting ideas about its role in my life, and how much time it's allowed to claim for itself during a normal month. My figure is... let's call it wide, my flaws are numerous, and with the welcome exception of my hair and eyes, I don't really have much to brag about or write down on those "What I love about my body" pages from old school year diaries.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am of the firm belief that physical beauty isn't all it's cracked up to be. And I am not saying that I am ugly, or BuHuHu I'm so big, or any of that self critical crap. I'm just making the truthful observation that my body and I would never appear in beauty pages in a magazine. And that's fine.

It is however probably not fine that i neglect my body and my body's needs in such a consistent and totally indifferent manner. It's probably not fine that I feed its sugar addiction to make it shut up, and it's probably not fine that I push its capacity to the very edge, long days and short nights, work work and some more work, then sleep for 8 hours one night, and then start over. It's probably not fine.

So, I give in. Body: you'll get your way. If you just give me my voice back, I promise to take care of you. It will be sort of a reward for having stayed with me for 26 years of randomness. You keep my voice hostage, I'll pay the ransom.

I will negotiate with this terrorist... Go figure. 

Rejection

re•jec•tion noun 1. the act or process of rejecting.     2. the state of being rejected. 3. something that is rejected.

1st thought
I once sent a manuscript to a publisher. The publisher said "this is something we'd like to work with, please revise, and make an appointment for discussion." I never did. Since then I've never tried to send in any of my texts or manuscripts to anyone, except for a few poems and articles here and there, but none of my projects. The fear of being worse than my 18 year old self, scares the crap out of me.

2nd thought
Next year I'm supposed to go abroad for two semesters. The deadlines, forms and papers are piling up on my desk, threatening to bury me in academic sounding nonsense. I never finished High School and have gotten to where I am more out of luck, than out of anything else. Twice I've woken up in panic, with the ringing echo of a nightmare in my ears: "You're just not worth anything after British standards,"  in the poshest, most condescending voice you could ever imagine. Seriously, Dame Judy Dench would have a challenge portraying a person this posh.. And she can do anything.

3d thought
When asking for favors, I often spend more words explaining how okay it is if the person can't help, than I spend on explaining the favor. This way, I don't feel like I'm putting too much pressure on the person, and I don't feel like I can be rejected, as I've practically said no to myself.

4th thought
In our wedding, when the priest asked if Hubby would take Wifey and all that jazz, I was never afraid he'd say no.